Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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