If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
