Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
