I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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