Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I still have a little drunk in my system
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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