I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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