There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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