I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
