fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
