she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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