I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
