Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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