dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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