apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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