i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize