Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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