she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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