He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
