I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
