guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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