I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
