There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
