My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
