I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
