farters have to be the big spoon...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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