Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
