I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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