Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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