I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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