this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
