I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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