Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
