Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
