The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize