i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
