At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
