I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
