I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
