Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
