Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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