Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
