I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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