If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
