Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
