watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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