I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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