we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
