but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
