nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
