I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i will never coherently bang her
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just blew my weed a kiss
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
