i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
