he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
