OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize