The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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