I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
