just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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