When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
