there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
