You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
