does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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